Category: la petite girafe
A blog.
Christmas is all around us. While we are walking through the annually refurbished winter wonderland the snow is falling as silently as ever. Peaceful is the night unless we turn on the radio and keep a lookout for Christmas carols. Here you are some of this year’s worst troves.
1. «Little Drummer Boy»
(as sung (?) by Bob Dylan)
Bob Dylan was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature, right? Didn’t go fetching it back in 2016, did he? Isn’t such a great singer, is he? Well, let’s agree on the fact that he is not one of those musicians whose artistic expression relies entirely on pitches. Now, Dylan’s version of Little Drummer Boy comes along as a mixture of «Let’s get it over with!» and «How could I possibly bore little children (and little adults) with some even more boring songs?». In order not to fall asleep instantly while listening to the Little Drummer Boy the percussionist (or the drum computer) keeps us machine-gunned up time and again.
If you do not consider this bad enough try Must Be Santa instead, which you will (hopefully not) find on the same disc.
2. «Stille Nacht»
(as sung by EAV)
Keep it stupid, stupid. Whenever we’re looking for something really silly, yet funny enough to be digged up, it could be worth paying a visit to the EAV (Erste Allgemeine Verunsicherung – «First General Uninsurance»). Only recently this Austrian band that peaked in the nineties has published a new CD called «ihr Sünderlein kommet» which means Oh, come, little sinners and refers to the German Christmas song Ihr Kinderlein, kommet / Oh, come, little children. As a matter of course EAV’s version of Stille Nacht / Silent Night is not really meant to be sung by the local church choir at the Midnight Mass on December 24.
Schlaf in himmlischer Ruh! (Sleep in heavenly peace)
Schlaf in himmlischer Ruh!
becomes
Trink den Punsch aus dem Schuh (Drink the punch from a shoe)
Schlafe in himmlischer Ruh
Other than that, the musicians did their very best to make this song sound really, really, really grisly. The arrangement comes along as tough as old boots (intentionally, of course) and I truly cannot find words for describing the fake-angels’ chorus in the first stanza.
If you do not consider this bad enough, though, try Klinik unter Psalmen instead (same disc).
3. «Jingle Bells»
(as played by an American school orchestra)
The performance starts at 2:11 and the solo at the beginning of it is pretty OK in comparison to … what the arranger did! Goodness me, consult a composer once in a while and/or consider adding a secondary voice to the mess. Or rests for the ‘bones. Or just rests. Silence is beautiful and John Cage is deemed a great composer too. Besides, throw a glance at the conductor. Perhaps he is also the arranger—there are some indications that this might be the case.
4. The very big something
(with a stunning guitar solo)
Until recently I did not know that the well-known film figure Borat had a less well-known kind of doppelgänger. In contrast to Borat, this guy is a thrillingly talented guitarist who doesn’t beat around the bush. Never ever. Jump to 0:56 and ascertain it for yourself!
Disappointed that this is no Christmas song? Well, frankly, I don’t know which kind of song this is meant to be, but any Christmas song could hardly be worse—so let’s consider it one.
5. «Christmas Is All Around»
(from the movie Love Actually)
This is a prime example of ridiculing an already silly text by very subtly destroying its metre. Let’s compare two lines —
Love that’s all around me
And so the feeling grows
is retyped to
Christmas is all around me,
And so the feeling grows
Naturally Christmas has got one syllabe too much. Christmas is lasting too long, pretty obvious, isnt’t it? There’s one more difference in both version that we stumble upon when we listen to Billy Mack (starring Bill Nighy) —
You gave your promise to me and I gave mine to you
I need someone beside me in everything I do
Oh, yes I do
becomes
You gave your presents to me
And I gave mine to you
I need Santa beside me
In everything I do
Apart from getting shockingly materialist, we observe that there’s something weird about Santa. This central word is supposed to be stressed on its first syllabe, but in this context it gets satirised by being emphasised on its second (sanTA instead of SANta). Admittingly I think that’s terribly funny to listen to, but if you do not consider this bad enough, watch this video instead:
FAQ —
A story with the little giraffe
Only recently, a reader of the little giraffe pointed out that there were no FAQs hereabouts. That’s pretty true, I thought. Thus far. Almost certainly people would have a lot of questions to ask the little giraffe, I thought, but everyone was afraid to ask. Whatever the case may be, here you are ten frequently asked questions about the little giraffe.
What is the little giraffe’s given name?
It doesn’t have any. Disappointed about that fact? Let’s remenber one of the best lines of the iconic TV series Columbo starring Peter Falk as protagonist:
From the police, ma’am. I’m Lieutenant Columbo.
Columbo?
Yes, ma’am, but you can call me Lieutenant.
Hence we see that we don’t always depend on forenames.
How old is the little giraffe?
The little giraffe was put together in October 2019. It is approximately 1.5 years old.
Does the little giraffe miss Africa?
No, not at all. It has never seen the continent. It is true that the natural habitat of every member of the family Giraffidae is situated in Africa, but the little giraffe’s building blocks were fabricated in Asia. However, the assemblage took place in Austria.
What is the little giraffe’s favourite food?
As observed on the photo below, the little giraffe’s favourite dish is the greenery from our pot plants. Its strictly vegan diet could not prevent several bone fractures and split-offs, though.
Is the little giraffe a good ski jumper?
Due to the animated film series Athleticus, giraffes are no good ski jumpers. See it for yourself!
Does the little giraffe really love contemporary music so much?
I can’t put my finger on it. Certainly it enjoys a lot of modern music at the place where it’s living. It’s safe to say that whenever a piece of the little giraffe breaks off or gets lost it’s not due to the music it is surrounded by.
Is the little giraffe swashbuckling?
Definitely. Inspite of its tininess and regardless of its rather sheepish look, the little giraffe is very adventurous. Be it climbing up Christmas trees or confronting the hectoring clay boar: The little giraffe turns out as fearless as audacious—and it will never miss the boat when it gets down to breaking one or more than one of its legs.
Who’s the little giraffe’s best friend?
The little giraffe is best friends with a dragon-like five-legged creature called Fünffusssaurus. Read here more about Fünffusssaurus.
What’s the number of parts the little giraffe is made of?
The litte giraffe consists of more than 150 components. Additionally, there are are several spare parts available in the construction set.
Can I make friends with the little giraffe too?
Sure! The little giraffe is delighted to get in touch with its readers. Feel free to send a message to giraffe@chrenhart.eu — we’re collecting items, places and oddities that feature giraffes. Take a picture of your object/place/whatever you’ve seen and send it to us.
Categories
Pentathlon
Pentathlon —
A story with the little giraffe
It’s about time to introduce a new figure: Fünffusssaurus. For reasons too obvious to mention we will not translate this into English. Fünffussaurus was purchased a while ago for ten-something at an online store. Before it was mounted—guarded by the severe look of the little giraffe—it remained quarantined for some days, just to be sure LPG doesn’t contract the dragon’s flue (which would be unimaginably frightening). As every construction kit is delivered with some extra building blocks, I chose to deviate a little from the construction manual; hence the name. Originally this was meant to be a dragon, but now it rather looks like a worm, though. A wyvern without wings. A lindworm-centipede-crossbreed. Whatsoever.
Locking horns
Once ready to become subject to this very blog, we’d like to get to know to our new figure a little bit closer. Let’s stage a competition and see which tiny beast performs better, Fünffusssaurus or the local heroine, LPG. There are five categories—quasi the pentathlon for the pipsqueaks—in which Fünffusssaurus will challenge the little giraffe: Height, width, flexibility, fragility and popularity. Let’s start with the first match.
Height
Let’s face it: giraffes are known to be … tall. There is no chance for Fünffusssaurus of winning this stage, is there? Have a look at the picture. While Fünffusssaurus keeps struggling with mother gravity to gain some extra inches, LPG is stablest when raising her nose up to the skies. A clear point for the crowd favourite.
Preliminary result:
(1)
(0)
Width
Fünffusssaurus captures a very decisive victory. If we look at the image, LPG measures 2.5 inches from ground to ground, whereas FFFSSS exceeds the range of the meter. Frankly, it was rather challenging to somehow fit FFFSSS into the meter. Other than that, the little giraffe reaches from the Yangtze River to the Amur River, but FFFSSS spreads all over the EU, Russia, Kazakhstan and Africa as well.
Preliminary result:
(1)
(1)
Flexibility
Let’s see, which of the two has a more dislocatable body and is overall more flexible. We already know that the little giraffe is very flexible. But how about FFFSSS? Let’s get down to it and count their joints. The little giraffe comes up with three ball-and-socket joints, all of them are sited at its neck. However, FFFSSS boasts about its tremendous amount of eleven such joints. Apart from that, also its feet are movable, no less than its tail and its horns. Thus, there is no need to dispute who’s gonna win this round, just have a look at the picture to verify the results.
Preliminary result:
(1)
(2)
Fragility
It is self-evident that LPG is rather fragile than indestructible. However, the same is true of our new friend, FFFSSS. We might count all possible items of each character that are likely to get lost. We might also take into consideration that the little giraffe is so fragile, it can’t even stand at all, once one of its legs is broken again. We might also observe, that FFFSSS has five feet that stick together but loosely whereas its underjaw is keen to fall off like a denture at any moment. I would like not to declare LPG or FFFSSS the winner of this match, though, for both competitors are just way too fragile to make a call. It’s a draw.
Preliminary result:
(2)
(3)
Popularity
Finally when it gets down to popularity, the little giraffe remains undefeatable thus far. FFFSSS has not recieved fanpost yet, whereas LPG has (indeed!). Giraffes are somewhat popular animals and when people see that they are occasionally fed to the lions in a zoo in Copenhagen for instance, many people get upset easily. As for FFFSSS, the popularity of a hitherto undiscovered species is undefined or null.
Final result:
(3)
(3)
Categories
La photo: La maladie
Categories
A List Of Yellow Items
La petite girafe liste …
Yellow Items
- The Yellow Elephant from Prague. A clay figure dating back to at least 2014 when it was purchased in one of those many tiny shops overcrowded by international tourists you find at every corner in the Czech capital. In contrast to other cities, Prague offers loads of hand-crafted things at such places at vastly reasonable prices. I’m still in doubt whether or not this is really meant to be an elephant, but its most prominent features—the very big ears and a trunk—purport that we can consider it one.
- Adhesive Tape. There is not very much to say about that item. Everyone has one somewheres at home, however I try to avoid using it most of the time as taping something together proves to be the next best thing more often than not.
- A self-stick notepad. There are many ways they might turn out to be handy. Whenever I get down to extracting the parts from a score I really love them and eventually my desk would become a yellow or white and red carpet—all covered with sticky notes. Cut into thin slices they are also very useful for playing compositions on the piano that require some extended playing techniques which usually means to do something on a specific string of the instrument. Piano strings are not arranged in a standardized way. Thus it might turn out that the Gb1-string(s) are not at the very same place on a concert hall’s piano as on the piano you have at home; hence it is definitely a good idea to attach some (removable) indentations to be sure you hit the right tones and strings on an unfamiliar instrument. Slices of sticky notes attached to the dampers can do this job wonderfully for you.
- A yellow blackboard chalk. I love colours—in nearly any context. Explaining something on the blackboard, you can easily group some information that belongs together. I purchased my set of chalks in 2019 I think. Due to the pandemic it has not been used very often since then.
- Hermann Erpf’s Lehrbuch der Instrumentation. Honestly, did I really think I could retrieve some inspiriation concerning the way of how to orchestrate my own compositions from this very book? Perhaps some teachers will bring forward the argument that this book needs to be considered a standard reference. I read it. At least.
- Panther’s immunization card. Unfortunately no longer needed as our pet cat passed away in January )-;
- A yellow fluorescent marker. I’ve hardly ever used it, but it’s yellow, though.
- Some glue. Even the paste itself is yellow. After attaching it to paper, it would stick together really well. A bit frightening, isn’t it?
- The little giraffe. Well, that’s pretty obvious.